The Stolen Gift (2013)
Our gifts are so meaningful and precious to us.
We should always honor and cherish our gifts because it is a must.
At the snap of a finger, my gift was stolen from me forever.
I've spent years trying to block out those images because I thought it was going to help me for the better.
My gift was stolen from me and it left me feeling lost, broken, dirty, tarnished, and confused.
I have been asking God lately why I was sexually abused.
I always wondered what did I do to deserve this.
Then, I would wonder was it because I was so young, quiet, naive, and vulnerable maybe the person just couldn't resist.
This situation did not occur once it continuously happened for quite some time.
I tried to completely erase these senseless and disgusting acts from my mind.
My gift was stolen from me at the tender age of five.
This traumatic event had oftentimes left me numb and feeling like I did not want to be alive.
At times I've done the unthinkable to suppress and ease my pain.
There were times I would literally sit in bed sobbing and questioning if I'm going insane.
You see no one will ever understand the reason why I remained silent for 19 years.
I can't even understand it myself as I sit here holding back tears.
I've learned I need to forgive myself for not speaking up and telling someone.
Then, I realize there is no need for me to hate myself for it because I was so young.
Carrying this secret around with me for years has been a huge burden.
How could someone I looked up to do this to me it is so disturbing?
God gave me this gift and I didn't deserve to have it taken.
When I finally confront the person who stole my gift I hope they do not tell me I don't know what you are talking about, you must have me mistaken.
I have no idea I would react at that moment.
But I refuse to allow that confrontation to send me back into a mode of self-torment.
Over the years I still interacted with this person normally as if nothing ever happened between us.
Now, when they are in my presence I cringe and I'm filled with anger and disgust.
My biggest fear I have of telling this deep dark secret was the possibility of it tearing my family apart.
However, I truly need closure and complete healing deep down in my heart.
I realized that I could no longer protect the person who stole my gift any longer.
I ask God all the time to give me the strength, wisdom, and courage so that I can become stronger.
I've been impacted by this situation mentality, physically and emotionally.
But it is by the grace of God I have been able to share my testimony through letters and poetry.
As I am coming to terms with my past I ask that you pray for me.
I am still a work in progress and I know I need to be the best Larisha I can be.
I do not want my past to define and consume me anymore.
I have faith in God and know that He will pull me out of this storm.
In the end, I want to feel whole and complete again once and for all.
But until then I will keep using my personal testimony for healing and to answer to God's call.